“Oh my gosh.” I wiggle out of our bear hug to run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to collect myself. I meditatively breathe loudly and deeply. Relax. “It was awful Mark. So terribly real.” I close my eyes to lock in the tears. Only I quiver as those horrid images flash on the screen in my brain.
“Don’t think of it Sari.” Mark takes my face in his hands. He rolls his thumbs over my swollen eyelids and whispers. “Think of our wedding day. Picture how beautiful you will look in your wedding dress. I cannot wait to see my gorgeous bride from the end of the aisle walking to me. The most beautiful woman, the guests, the party, the cake…”
“Oh, cake….yum. This is helping.” I sigh with relief and a bit of humor. “I will probably eat that entire delicious cake.”
“I know you will baby and you will look so thin and sexy doing it.” Our faces are inches apart and we inhale each other’s laughter.
“Shut it. I haven’t had cake or anything like it in so long. Damn fabulous dream dress.” I sleepily whine. We lay wrapped together as one. “I love you.” Before I lose myself once again to sleep I think of how truly blessed I am. My life is so full and so wonderful. I wouldn’t change one thing.
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My eyes fill with tears of sadness. The fear and struggle have subsided. I am so sad. My sisters…how will I say goodbye. I will miss them so much. Tears stream down my face. Please do not be disappointed in me, I pray. I am too exhausted and too mangled to win this battle. His knife has become unanimous to my body…the stabbing and carving is more motion than invasion. I have tasted my blood…sticky, gooey and runny. He violated me between my legs with his steel-toed boot while laughing at my anguish. He hunched over me and watched the blood drain from my body. I am dry and empty. Through the slits in my eyes I see the sun begin to peep. Ah, pretty…sunrise over the lake. Please God, take me now. Please make this stop. I have nothing left. In the tracers of the rising sun I see him raise his arm. I come eye to eye with the barrel of a gun. In what seems like slow motion I watch his finger stiffen on the trigger. I am blanketed by a sense of peace. Alas, the most brilliant explosion of light…
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“Wake up me! Wake up! You’re asleep. Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!” My subconscious screams. “OOOOOH GOD!” I gasp a deep pocket of air which throttles my torso upright. I am hunting for air as if my head was held under water! “It’s not real. It was only a dream….my god.” I steady my breathing. Affirmation. Reassurance. Panic! I need proof it was only a dream. My heart picks up the pace. I grab fistfuls of my lilac comforter and smash my nose into it for a recognizable scent. Ah, that smell…the smell of Mark. I fling my body on top of his. His face reveals concern with a hint of confusion. "Honey…” My embrace is justly severe. “I had another nightmare.” I whimper. I hate nightmares! Tears threaten my eyes but the shock of that nightmare has scared them away. “I was asleep and heard myself telling myself to wake up, to WAKE UP so I wouldn’t see what was about to happen. Or what did happen or could happen or should...”
“Whoa, baby. Calm down. It was only a dream.” Mark hugs my face into his chest. “Rest your eyes honey…they are bugging out. Shut them baby, let me hold you. Could this be the result of last night’s thai food?” He sleepily quips.
“Not funny. I’m serious. It was awful, just awful. I feel so, uh, so ick. So not right. I’m sad. Truly sad.” I run my fingers through my hair, stretch out my neck and hope to find my equilibrium. “What time is it?” I turn my focus to the alarm clock. It is February in Chicago so unless you know exactly what time it is you have no clue thanks to the gloomy overcast days…everyday. Well, I have to be fair, the sun does at least rise over the lake. Ugh, this visual sends chills down my spine. “Perfect, I didn’t want to be forced to go back to sleep! Time to get up.”
Mark moans and I see him drag not one but two pillows over his head. I need him awake. I have to talk. I am natural born talker, this is true, but this morning I need to talk and keep distracted from my thoughts, all visuals and any analysis. I have to forget my nightmare…completely. I cannot think of it at all! It must disappear. And thus I cannot have any silence.
“I may never shut my eyes again. I may never sleep again.” I say knowing I sound ridiculous but am still pondering if this is at all possible. “I have seen Nightmare on Elm Street so it can happen…”
“Shhh lover. You’re awake baby. You have officially survived the nightmare.” He reluctantly stretches out his upper body for a glimpse of the time. “It is 5:12 in the morning.” Mark sighs. “I cannot say for sure I would have proposed to you had I known getting up at 5:15a.m. was part of my future. And today I lose 3 valuable minutes!!”
Next Nip will be posted Sunday evening...
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